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Windsor, James L Esq
That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’ Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer. No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you. It’s called ‘taking advantage.’ It’s what gets you ahead in life. Really? Did nothing cancel?
If anyone gets nosy, just …you know … shoot ’em. Shoot ’em? Politely, of course. Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that. Course you couldn’t buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I got my hands on a couple. You’re welcome on my boat. God ain’t. I cannot abide useless people. Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower … somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross. Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle. Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! Mercy is the mark of a great man. Guess I’m just a good man. Well, I’m all right.
I am the most incurably lazy devil that ever stood in shoe leather My name is Sherlock Holmes. It is my business to know what other people don’t know. I have always held, too, that pistol practice should be distinctly an open-air pastime; and when Holmes, in one of his queer humours, would sit in an armchair with his hair-trigger and a hundred Boxer cartridges and proceed to adorn the opposite wall with a patriotic V.R. done in bullet pocks, I felt strongly that neither the atmosphere nor the appearance of our room was improved by it. Come, Watson, come! The game is afoot. Not a word! Into your clothes and come! You know my method. It is founded upon the observation of trifles. Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius. Show Holmes a drop of water and he would deduce the existence of the Atlantic. Show it to me and I would look for a tap. That was the difference between us. I must apologize for calling so late, and I must further beg you to be so unconventional as to allow me to leave your house presently by scrambling over your back garden wall. The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes. You will not apply my precept. How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth? We know that he did not come through the door, the window, or the chimney. We also know that he could not have been concealed in the room, as there is no concealment possible. When, then, did he come?
Marry me. What’s Spanish for ‘I know you speak English?’ We just call it a sausage. As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. Really? Did nothing cancel? Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer. I’m half machine. I’m a monster.
Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough. There’s so many poorly chosen words in that sentence. Well, what do you expect, mother? Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you’ll have more fun. First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. Oh, you’re gonna be in a coma, all right.
Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle. First rule of battle, little one … don’t ever let them know where you are… WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! … ‘Course, there’re other schools of thought. Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower … somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Also? I can kill you with my brain. You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who’s in ruttin charge here. How did your brain even learn human speech? Course you couldn’t buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I got my hands on a couple. Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction. We live in a spaceship, dear.